Laika Lives

Cold Unfeeling Robot Heart

2010-02-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

This is now a zombie blog. Read this instead.

Die Trying

2009-09-07T19:02:00.003-04:00

I got a reviewer's copy of Die Trying by Bo Parfet by promising to write about it on this site, so here it goes. The book is by a man who climbed the "Seven Summits," - the seven highest mountains on each of the seven continents.

Consider the following quote from page 39. "Given the bug-infested locales in which many climbs take place, poop talk is a common means of helping the participants to bond. And in this case, as my stools gradually increased in firmness, so did the morale of our team."

Use this quotation as litmus test for whether or not this book is for you. If you find that sentiment to be well written, funny, and endearing, by all means pick up a copy of Die Trying and enjoy your inspirational tale of human achievement.

If, however, you find that particular quote to be a too gross for reading that does not provide a literary payoff and are even more offended by the syntactical inconsistencies (firm as an adjective for morale?), then I suggest looking elsewhere to fill out your end of summer reading list.

Faberge Egg

2008-11-29T22:00:00.001-05:00

Do you ever notice how no matter what you search for on google, the right part of the screen always comes up with an ad that suggests places for you to buy that item, no matter how ridiculous?

Proof:

Google search for "Faberge Egg":

The resolution on that is shittier than I'd hoped, but you'll notice on the right there is a link from fucking EBAY suggesting I "Bid on Faberge Egg now!"

Seriously Ebay? Seriously?

(Confidential to Snow White: I'm posting more, happy? Try not to get too much work done now...)

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2008-11-28T14:11:00.003-05:00

My theory is that kids who grew up watching Animaniacs grew into adults with more awesome sense of humor. The parts of this compilation of the "Good Idea, Bad Idea" sketch are funny enough on their own, but become totally transcendent when viewed all in row.

Also not to be missed: The Mr. Skullhead Show!

"Skullhead Bonyhands has a way with dogs, doesn't he?"

Story Time

2008-11-25T14:26:00.003-05:00

I recently heard this story from a veteran of the Vietnam War. It would probably be best not to reveal his identity, so here I'm going to call him Allen.

Allen worked as a medic towards the end of the war. Once the war was technically over, there were still 60,000 men who remained in the military finishing out their service. During this time, Allen worked with the psychiatric unit. As one can imagine, there were a lot of men who were suffering from all sorts of psyciatric problems at the close of the conflict, including hundreds at risk for suicide. Allen was one of only a handful of medics who were assigned to deal with all psychiatric issues, and he and the others were overwhelmed by the number of people seeing them who were suicide risks. There simply was not enough time or resources to treat every patient, and decisions had to be made about who should be referred to the staff psychiatrist, who needed talk therapy, and who really just needed time.

Before I go on, a few words on Valium. Valium was the psychiatric drug of choice at the time, used to treat anxiety, insomnia, and other problems. One reason it was popular with doctors is that it is almost impossible to kill yourself by ODing on it. However, the difference between the amount you have to take to become temporarily comatose is not so high. Because of this, a person trying to kill themselves by taking lots of 35mg pills would pass out before they were able to take enough to OD.

Back to the story. In order to solve their resource allocation problem, Allen and the others needed some kind of triage system to identify which of their patients were at the highest risk. The solution to this problem ended up being Valium. When a man would come in complaining of severe depression or suicidal thoughs, Allen would do his best to talk to him first, saying that things would get easier as time passed, and so on. Then, he would offer a month's worth of Valium, saying that, "Valium is an antidepressant. If you take it every morning, it is going to take some of the edge off of your day and make it easier to cope with the stress you're feeling."

He would go on, saying, "This is a very powerful drug. You have to be careful not to take the entire month's supply of pills at once. If you do, you will go asleep and never wake up."

When the patient left with the pills, Allen would then call the man's commanding officer. He would advise the officer to make sure that the soldier reported for duty as expected every morning at 8:30. If the man did not report, the officer was to send someone to the bunks to check up on him.

What Allen and the others had done was create a way to test how serious a patient was about comitting suicide. If the man just needed a drug to take the edge off and some time, the treatment he prescribed would do the trick. If the patient really was about to take his own life, Allen appeared to offer him an easy, painless way to do it. Go to sleep and never wake up. What the patients didn't know is that they would wake up. If this happened, they were referred to recieve the more serious care they needed.

Was this course of treatment ethical? I doubt any doctor would say yes. But while Allen worked this psych rotation, not one person successfully killed themself.

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume 7

2008-11-23T17:35:00.003-05:00

I live a few blocks from the famous Greenwood Cemetery, and as it's a bona fide National Historical Landmark, I recently decided to walk over and check it out. While there, I learned a few things.

1) The place is fucking huge (but pretty!!)
2) I have a bad sense of direction.

The combination of #s 1 and 2 resulted me in getting hopelessly lost. It is not a good strategy to go into a strange, beautiful, creepy place that is literally 478 acres large and wander towards anything that looks interesting. I spent at least 40 minutes thinking that I was going to find my way out just over the next hill. However, all this wandering led to...

3) People build some weird-ass monuments to their dead selves.

Is that bear pooping out that gravestone?!?

Girls I want, according to Cake

2008-10-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

GraphJam wouldn't post my submission, so I'm doing it myself:

Suck it, GraphJam.

Something is wrong: A photo essay

2008-10-29T20:57:00.000-04:00

Something is amiss with the men of Hollywood. Specifically, in the hair department. The phenomenon began to develop way back in 2004, with the release of National Treasure.

Why yes, I did just come from the wind tunnel. How did you know?

Strange, but as an isolated incident, not overly troubling. Unfortunately, in 2006 the issue gained national attention with the release of The Da Vinci Code.

What the f is this, Tom? The world took note, and wanted answers. Sadly, the epidemic had not yet peaked.

I know Tom, I'm scared too.

The situation intensified in 2007 with the release of National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.

Oh wow, it really does look worse from the back.

Somehow, this sequel made more money than its predecessor. Cage took this as a cue that his styling choices were working. From there, he took the fad to it's next logical extreme in my new favorite movie, Bangkok Dangerous. What you are about to see is so extreme I will prep you by first showing a partially obstructed shot:

And now, the big reveal...

Breathtaking. This movie holds the dubious honor of being the lowest grossing film to still open at number one. Apparently, that was enough to inspire Christian Slater to jump on board this fad for his new show, My Own Worst Enemy.

He looks conflicted about this choice. As a side note, I want to mention that I've seen this show twice, and I hope it stays on the air forever. Slater plays a guy with sort of a super split personality, where until recently the "normal" personality was totally oblivious to the "superspy" personality. As over-the-top as that sounds, it only scratches the surface of this show's bat shit insanity. Watch it and feel the crazy. I have.

In conclusion, it baffles the mind how all of these actors have made follicular achievements that cannot be found in nature. The hair has bestowed strange gifts on its benefactors, giving them unnatural levels of success in projects that appear on the surface to be career suicide (Did I mention the plot of Bangkok Dangerous?) I predict that the hair will soon seek revenge for these poor choices, J-Horror style.

Kate Beaton

2008-10-26T14:40:00.003-04:00

Kate Beaton's historical comics are amazing. Plus, Shetland ponies make me laugh-

Read it!

http://katebeaton.com/Site/Welcome.html

McCain spending freeze: Bad bananas

2008-10-26T01:45:00.006-04:00

John McCain wants to institute an "across the board" spending freeze on the federal government if he becomes President. Here's the quote from the most recent debate:

OK, what -- what would I cut? I would have, first of all, across-the-board spending freeze, OK? Some people say that's a hatchet. That's a hatchet, and then I would get out a scalpel, OK?**

Putting aside the fact that he's made so many exceptions to this so-called freeze so far that it barely still qualifies as such, this idea would be disastrous for our ailing economy. McCain has said before that he doesn't understand much about economics, and this proves it.

Everyone's (plausible) fear right now is the United States is plummeting into a deep recession. A government spending freeze would all but guarantee this. Recession is typically defined as two consecutive quarters of of negative GDP growth, and anyone who has taken an introductory course in macroeconomics knows that GDP is a function of consumption (C), investment (I), net exports (NX), and government spending (G).

Data shows that consumption- aka consumer spending- has been falling. The investment portion is largely affected by the real estate markets, and we all know how that's been going lately. I don't know what's going on with net exports these days, but this number is typically negative as the US maintains a large trade deficit with so many countries.

Now lets review: GDP = C+I+NX+G. C and I are down. Way down. And John McCain somehow thinks that it will help our country to cut off a huge chunk of G? If that's not a recipe for negative GDP growth, aka recession, I don't know what is.

In these troubled times, many investors and concerned citizens of the world turn to the coveted "Banana Index" for guidance. I think it's safe to assume that we're approaching a Level 7 in banana confidence.
Let's not allow McCain bring us to Level 8.

**Hatchet, then a scalpel? Isn't that like cutting off your foot and THEN removing the bunion?

I "Hate" the Slate redesign

2008-10-24T21:22:00.005-04:00

I love Slate. It's among the few sites I read every day. The old site design may not have been perfect, but it worked. Let's take a look at what's going on now-

Ohh, the problems. First, you don't start reading the text of the article until almost 2/3 of the way down my screen. Second, the ads look MUCH more prominent. In the box underneath the giant phone ad (which is underneath the giant HSBC banner) is a special area for "Sponsored Links." The people who write the text in this area should take special note of my correct use of quotation marks, because they are ALWAYS WRONG. For months this box was topped by an ad declaring, "I 'Hate' My Yellow Teeth." What does that mean? You hate your yellow teeth... ironically? The current topper is just as good- " 'Murder Yellow Teeth.' " Umm, what?

So that was a tangent, but the point is, that box used to be much lower on the page. And this is a problem, because now I have to scroll much farther down to see the lists of most-viewed articles! Trust me, Slate web-designers, you need to have this box higher up. Before, when I would open an article off the front page, after I read the first paragraph my eyes would start to drift to this side box. There, your trademark sensational headlines would entice me to open 4 or 5 more stories in new tabs for later reading. Now, if I don't make it past the beginning of the article I'm reading I never see those links. This means less tabs for Slate, and more tabs for DListed. And I don't think anybody wants that.

SAT Prep: Analogies

2008-10-20T22:24:00.002-04:00

"Place where I work" is to "A school," as "Place where I live" is to _________.

A) An apartment
B) The surface of the sun
C) The inside of a volcano
D) Satan's armpit

The correct answer is: I don't fucking know. The part of my brain that maintains logic says "A," but I'm also pretty sure that that part of my brain is melting.

Oh my god! Over by the bathroom! Are those palm trees? Oh wait NO, that must have been a MIRAGE. You know, like they have in the DESERT.

A day ago it was so cold in here that I was literally baking my sheets like a Thanksgiving turkey to warm them before bed (No, really). Today entering my bedroom is like being trapped in an overstuffed clown car and everyone's wearing polyester.

what. the fuck.

Overdue

2008-10-19T14:39:00.009-04:00

It's been a long ass time since I've posted here, but I think I'm going to try and start writing regularly again, at least once a week. It's been hard to find the time since teaching started, and since I pretty much don't have a life outside of the classroom anymore, I don't have that much to say outside of stories about my students. I'm not sure if I want to start writing about that though, since it would be a pretty big departure from my intended tone of this blog. I'm still (barely) trying to keep up with what's been going on in music though, so I'll start off my triumphant return by recommending a few albums I've been impressed with this year:

1) The Dodos- Visiter. This album runs the gamut from traditional sweet indie tunes to more experimental sounds. A great primer for anyone getting tired of The Shins but not quite ready to take the plunge into Animal Collective. Favorite Tracks: Undeclared, Fools

2) Speaking of Animal Collective, this summer's EP Water Curses made for enjoyable beach listening. Once you start to hear how much this stuff sounds like the Beach Boys, you can't un-hear it. Favorite Track: Water Curses

3) More great summer music- Throw Me the Statue's Moonbeams. Not exactly a groundbreaking album, but music doesn't have to be groundbreaking for me to like singing along when I'm driving with my windows down. Favorite Tracks: Lolita, This Is How We Kiss

4) I've already writte n at length of my love for Frightened Rabbit. I'm pulling for Midnight Organ Fight to make some year end best-of lists. I suggest getting on board the Midnight train (see what I did there? Jokes!) before the hype machine catches on. Favorite Tracks: The Modern Leper, The Twist.

5) I'm feel like saying this is going to brand me as tragically uncool, but I really liked this year's new Coldplay, Viva la Vida. Chris Martin and co. have always had a knack for incorporating weird times signatures, grand instrumentation, and tempo switches to back up what would otherwise be rather dopey-sounding songs. After a misstep with X&Y, this brought back the magic that made me love the old stuff like Clocks and Shiver. Favorite Tracks: Viva la Vida, Lovers in Japan

Honorable Mentions: Magnetic Fields- Distortion. Death Cab for Cutie- Narrow Stairs.

Stuff I've Been Meaning to Listen To But Haven't Found the Time Yet: M83-Saturday = Youth. TV on the Radio- Dear Science. Of Montreal- Skeletal Lamping. The Helio Sequence- Keep Your Eyes Ahead.

Victoria's REAL Secret

2008-08-14T23:42:00.007-04:00

Wearing pajamas is the best. Unfortunately, it is not socially acceptable to wear them during the day. If I were trying to rent an apartment and someone showed up in their "jammies" to see it, I would probably think this person was a bum. I would also then start to wonder why this person has the time to be looking at apartments in the middle of a weekday. Then I would start wondering if this person might be a secret serial killer who needs the ability to shed layers quickly. Then, I would end up renting my place to this sharply-dressed guy:

I trust a man in a nice suit.

This is why nurses have it made. They basically get to wear PJs every day, and no one can say a damn thing about it. I'm pretty sure that's why most of them choose the profession.

Luckily, I have found a solution that allows me to wear my 'jams around all day, AND makes me seem like an energetic, young go-getter. All I have to do is carry around one little prop: a yoga mat.Ta Da! This sloppy bum has just been transformed from looking semi-homeless to looking like the kind of person who can do this:

Whether or not I actually attend a yoga class is my little secret**.

**I don't. Surprise!

Joan Rivers = Hot Bitch

2008-08-04T12:20:00.003-04:00

I've never much cared for this Joan Rivers. I'm too young to have seen her subbing for Carson, so I basically just know her as that weird-looking plastic lady who occasionally screeches for E! with her daughter.

Then I saw an article that changed my mind:

Joan Rivers' insults astound, amuse at fund-raiser for Girl Scouts

An excerpt:

We hear that she dropped the f-bomb frequently, called women "whores" repeatedly and sounded off on what the Girls Scouts didn't teach girls.

So Joan Rivers was invited to speak at a Girl Scout event, and when she took the stage called everyone sluts and made Paris Hilton jokes? I was a Girl Scout for years, and trust me, this sounds like a HUGE improvement over speeches on friendship, peace, and cookies. I guess Joan decided to reference a different kind of "cookie".

I have an awesome bruise

2008-07-14T16:22:00.002-04:00

I'm really proud of this bruise. For reasons I don't totally recall, I told some of my guy friends that if they didn't hit my arm as hard as they could they were all pussies. The (Australian) result:

This picture doesn't even do it justice. I don't regret it, either. Purple looks great on me.

Mango Palm

2008-07-13T21:22:00.005-04:00

The following is a partial transcript of comments made by my roommate, Snow White, while watching the first 25 minutes of the movie Maple Palm. She was unaware that I was making this transcription. She had, however, been forewarned that it was one of the worst movies ever made, and consisted of several graphic lesbian sex scenes. She chose to watch it anyways. This is her story:

Why is this intro so long? The shot of this duck is going on forever. Oh my god, this movie is 116 minutes long.

(5 minutes in) This is... porn. Wow, yeah, thats porn. If someone wanted to know how lesbians have sex, this would be a good way to find out.

Oh my god, that guy just hit the cripple! She's on the floor!

This plot makes no sense. Why didn't they just move to Canada?

She's growling? Now she's meowing? Wait, when did she get drunk?

Oh I think he's going to rape her now... yeah he is. Whoa! There we go. And the sweatshirt comes off. Oh he's totally going to rape her. All surrounding her, circling. Looking down her shirt... He's raping her! Hand up pants!

This is horrible acting. She was supposed to act like she was running away but she paused before he actually grabbed her. I love this movie. Ohhh, he's raping her. (giggles) You should see it. I think he's going to handcuff her and then fuck her.

Ohhhh! I dont know where he's putting his hand but it looks like he's putting it through jeans and into vag. Ohhh!

Oh she just kicked him down the stairs! He's unconscious and at the bottom of the stairs.

They have him handcuffed to the fridge. He's going through all the cabinets in the kitchen. What does he think he's going to do, Saran Wrap his arm off?

They're supposed to be running away and this bitch is scrapbooking.

I think this is supposed to make straight people look scary.

Yeah, lots of people talk like that that. Always lecturing. The big "white, red, and blue." Wait, what? I guess she's Canadian.

It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm

2008-07-03T09:27:00.003-04:00

Frightened Rabbit and Oxford Collapse played Southpaw Wednesday night, and it was excellent. Some other band actually opened, but they were so forgettable that I'm not even going to bother looking up their name. The OC (don't call it that!) was kind of unmemorable as well, but deserve a mention for one awesome number where FR's singer Scott Hutchison joined them for some vocal and tambourine backup.

Hutchison, by the way, kind of looks like a sweaty, scruffy baby when he's holding those long notes, but it's endearing, mostly because the music is so damn good.

This show wouldn't have been more tailored to what I wanted to see if the band had called me in advance and asked for suggestions. They played all my favorites off of Midnight Organ Fight, including a touching version of Poke that had the whole audience holding its breath. Besides the bad-ass closing rendition of Keep Yourself Warm, the highlight was when they used the first few verses of The National's Fake Empire (aka pretty much my favorite song) to segue into Backwards Walk. Awesome.

Stray thoughts:

-These guys clearly got the memo on the Brooklyn dress code. Flannel and vintage-looking t-shirts abound.

-Some chick next to me was taking notes the whole time, apparently for the "zine" she writes for. Since when are there still zines?!?!

-One dude in the band had a reverse mullet. Party front, business back. Weird.

Mascot

2008-07-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

Since it seems that a full 1/3 of my posts are apparently related to mass transit, when I saw this guy I thought Ah-ha! My mascot has arrived!

It takes a special kind of dedication to not only craft a suit entirely out of MetroCards, but to wear it all day in the stifling heat of Coney Island's annual Mermaid Parade. I'm impressed that between the direct sunlight and the heat radiating back from the asphalt that these cards didn't permanently melt themselves onto this dude's skin. I can only guess that all the sweating must have helped in that regard.

This was, by the way, originally slated to be an edition of Covert Phone Pictures, but this photography was really nothing short of overt. And really, when you're walking around in a outfit of what is in essence other people's garbage taped together to form some semblance of clothing, are you not asking for strangers to take your picture? I submit yes.

New Study: Sex toxins give you cancer, fat

2008-07-01T12:00:00.001-04:00

The New York Times claims that a title like the one above will make my writing infinitely more interesting and blogable. Based on how CNN writes their headlines, I'm inclined to agree. So what do you think, readers? (ed.- shouldn't that say "reader"? Sheesh, fine. Hi Mom!) Should I start writing stories to fit some of these headlines?

The secret sex life of fat cancer patients: Is it melting the ice caps?

Secrets of "green" sex- can it cause cancer?

Fat Environmentalists protest phrase "green is the new black," say black is still slimming, sexy.

I suspect that some official-looking charts would also be a boon to my readership.

RIP Kermit Scott

2008-06-30T16:30:00.001-04:00

Not sure why I didn't think to do this earlier, but today I want to briefly post in memorial to a friend of my family who passed away last month, Kermit Scott. Kermit was best known as the actual namesake of Kermit the Frog and Jim Henson's childhood friend.

However, to me Kermit is better known as the really nice friend and coworker of my mom who let me, my brother, and any of our punk friends play in their pool every summer when I was a kid. I was sad when he and his wife, Aadron, moved away when I was in high school, and not just because they always, always, had Fudgesicles in their freezer.

Kermit, you will be missed.

Chastainisms

2008-06-29T19:52:00.004-04:00

I recently came across a list of quotes my friends and I compiled from our high school calc teacher. This might only be funny to me, but I don't care. I'm posting it anyways because I'm less than three months from being a math teacher myself. Imagine these being said by an old Colonel Sanders lookalike who shouted a lot because he was going deaf in one ear.

"I may have Alzheimer's, but I'm still faster than you"

"For Peter [a basketball player], I guess problem 6 is like a shot over 5 feet"

"Mary, have I made any mistakes? Besides becoming a teacher. You don't make any money."

"Sometime later this week, we're going to start lobbing shells on people in another country. That's parabolic. [class laughs] What? It's a fact of life!" This was right before the start of the Iraq war.

"Stand up to your art teachers! Don't be afraid to say no to field trips."

"You're not supposed to put anybody down?! That's my favorite pastime!"

"Some of us are just born with rhythm."

[To Anu, who had massive sideburns at the time] "I know what your problem is. Your blood is pumping too hard to keep those side burns growing. That went out 30 years ago, with Elvis."

"I'm getting old, I used to play basketball everyday. But I could still beat anyone on the girls team."

"Did you vote in the primary? Democrat? These grades aren't final, you know."

"Asymptote- the accent is on the 'ASS'!"

"The only card game I play is strip poker. And I never lose."

Why I Hate CNN.com

2008-06-23T22:18:00.006-04:00

You know what really grinds my gears? This CNN.com. Ooo, look at me, I'm CNN! I pass off entertainment news and fluff as real news all the time. Tra-la-laaa! On a typical day, 75% of the headlines are NOT NEWS. I understand that the semi-literate masses demand a high entertainment-to-news ratio as they (read: I) drudge through the day, but I don't see why The Most Trusted Name in News has to be the one to provide it. That's what DListed is for. No one loves to bash Fox News more than me, but I don't see the point when this is the competition:

I know this is hard to read, so lets review. Here's a list of headlines, with the ones that contain no actual news in red, bullshit with a vague news basis in blue, and real news in black. For something to be "news," 3 criteria must be met. 1) something has to happen, 2) it has to matter somehow outside that person's immediate family or peer group (and no sensationalism), and 3) it has to have some minimal degree of uniqueness.

So for example, I would classify the Natalie Holloway stories of a few years ago as not news because people go missing all the time, all over the country, all over the world, and it goes unreported nationally because there is no element of uniqueness. This girl only made the news because of sensationalism (read: she was pretty, blonde, and on spring break like a lot of people and/or their kids)

UN condemns Zimbabwean violence
Pentagon: Iraq violence down since 'surge'
Officials: Iraqi councilman kills U.S. soldiers
First female 4-star Army general nominated
Captured Israeli soldier's parents lose appeal
Time: Gloucester pregnancy plot thickens
Supreme Court: Is Navy saving the whales?
Ticker: Big debt forces Clinton to seek help
iReport.com: Send questions for Mitt Romney
CNNMoney: How to retire on $50 billion
Sanchez: Can Obama's money buy him love?
SI: Imus says new race remark misunderstood
Groom passes as bride, could face charges
Navarrette: Tunnel gear, guts can stop illegals
WPLG: Two charged with selling parts to Iran
Sports bra saves hiker stranded in Alps
Men with 33.6-inch waists face fines
Guy hit by lightning on 49th birthday
New girl robot can kiss, hold hands
414-pound shark is biggest at grisly tourney

And I think I was more than a little generous with the blue category. I need a drink.

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume 6: Reader Submission

2008-06-17T23:01:00.005-04:00

Today marks our first reader submission here at Laika Lives! Special thanks to Bob the Builder and Snow White for sending this my way.

I'm a little hazy on what they said the origins of this were (possibly because at the time of the discussion I was enjoying a 32 0z styrofoam cup of "B.") but it may have been taken in Williamsburg.

This sign raises a number of questions:

1) Who went to a BYOB place and decided to instead BYO-Tequila-Shots? (and how soon can we hang out?)

2) Did Pedro lock himself in the fridge, or was it (dramatic pause) muuuurder?

3) What's up with that sadistic smiley face?

Thanks again Bob!

Penn Station Waterfall!

2008-06-15T23:45:00.008-04:00

Oh my god, I know I've been writing about mass transit a lot lately, but this you have to see.** You might want to turn your speakers down, there's a loud clanging noise in the background.

I was getting off a downtown C at Penn on Saturday while it was pouring outside, and just as my car pulled up to the station, a water pipe must have burst above us! I literally had to walk through this waterfall to get off. It was nuts-o. Below are two snapshots of the event.

With the car in the station...

And without.

I wish I had some witty comment to make about all this (Pennsylvania Station? More like Splash-sylvania Station! Riding the subway? More like riding the flood-way! Ok, I'll stop now), but clearly I don't. Mostly I just thought the whole indoor temporary waterfall thing was kind of awesome, especially since I was already soaked from the rain so it didn't matter that I got a little wetter.

**This is my first attempt at embedding a self-made video, so someone should tell me if it doesn't work.

Worst / Best Movie Review Ever

2008-06-15T13:39:00.005-04:00

Based on the ads, I was ambivalent towards seeing M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Happening. I was hopeful that it would be an awesome scary movie, but was wary due to my mom's assesment of the recent Lady in the Water as, "...the closest I've ever come to walking out of a movie in the first 15 minutes. One of the worst movies I've ever seen." My dad concurred, saying the only the only thing worse was 1986's The Color Purple**, featuring Oprah.

Anyways, as I'm a bit of a slave to reviews, I was happy to see the AV Club review posted. And oh, what a review it was. This movie is BAD. So bad, in fact, that I think I want to see it more than if it had gotten a good review. Nathan Rabin, I love you so much.

An excerpt:

"The spectacularly ill-conceived, tension-free The Happening will have audiences on the edge of the their seats, contemplating whether to bail out early or see Shyamalan's latest grab-bag of ineptly executed bad ideas through to the bitter end.... The Happening suggests a remake of Signs with all the dread replaced by great gales of unintentional laughter, most notably during an ostensibly terrifying zoo-animal attack that might just be the funniest scene of the summer."

Seriously, I don't see how I could NOT see this movie now.

**More on The Color Purple: My mom went into labor with me while seeing this movie, leading my dad to comment that the movie was so bad, this was my way of saying "Get me the hell out of here!" Apparently in my dad's imagination, I had a bit of dirty mouth as a fetus.

That's right-

2008-06-10T20:57:00.001-04:00

I bought them. I feel that my commitment to abstinence education practically mandated it. Hooray hypocrisy!

One More Subway Story

2008-06-09T23:51:00.004-04:00

The stuff you see sometimes... I just don't know what to say.

So I'm riding the uptown A towards Penn Station, and there's this girl sitting directly across from me. She looks about 17, and after a few minutes she pulls out a compact and starts putting on makeup. Which wouldn't be that remarkable, except that she was putting on eyeliner, WHILE WE WERE MOVING. The fact that she didn't end up like a more bloodshot version of this picture amazes and impresses me. I mean, I can barely put on makeup in a stationary room without injury.

I noticed that she achieved this feat by sitting kind of oddly sideways with one knee up that she could sort of rest the compact against. So while I'm noticing this, I also noticed that the guy sitting directly next to me had taken out a sketch pad and started to draw. I only glanced over for a second, but I thought it kind of looked like he was drawing a person with a high, bent knee. I thought, Hey, maybe he's so impressed with this girl's subway makeup skills that he's going to draw her while she does it. Cool!

It was awkward to watch this guy draw since he was sitting right next to me, so I looked away for a while. Makeup girl was definitely doing a good job, and I continued to be awed. I zoned out for another stop or so, and then decided to check back in on sketch-book guy.

Oh my god, he was SO NOT drawing that girl! Instead, he was drawing what can only be described as a pornographic rendering of a particularly voluptuous nude girl sitting spread-eagle, both knees in the air. At the exact moment I looked over, he appeared to be lovingly sketching and re-sketching the every fold of her gaping vagina.

At the time the whole thing seemed so awkward that I was hesitant to even look at this guy while he drew, although I really really wanted to snap a picture. I chickened out and got off at my stop, although afterwards I realized that if some guy had the audacity to draw that picture on the subway, then the least I could do would be to work up the nerve to photograph it.

**Sidenote- WTF, this guy can DRAW on a moving subway?!?! Are there classes somewhere on how to wield a writing utensil (pen, pencil, eyeliner, or otherwise) while in conditions similar to an earthquake? Damn!My MS Paint rendering of the sketch, in stick-figure form, and without vaginal detail

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume 5: Special Subway Day Celebration Edition

2008-06-05T20:24:00.005-04:00

Today, I saw one of the whitest white guys ever. I was on the subway in Brooklyn at the time, natch. I know this picture is bad, but you really have to put the "covert" into "Covert Phone Pictures" to take a person's picture on the subway if they aren't sitting directly across from you, which this guy was not. Luckily for me, he was sitting by the map, so as I pretended to go look at it I managed to snap this:

I know this may not be readily apparent, but just trust me as I go through the checklist:

Vintage-looking T? Check
Being in Brooklyn? Check
Thrift store cutoff shorts? Check and Check
Tote bag for environmentally-friendly shopping? Check
Keffiyeh (with shorts, no less)? Check
Traveling with non-white hipster friend? Check

I propose a new game, called "White Person Scavenger Hunt." In it, you and a partner have 3 hours to run around Brooklyn taking pictures to represent as many of 1o2 white people things as possible. You should find another pair to play against, and the losing team buys the winning team a couple rounds of organic beer. Everybody wins!

Dr. Subwaylove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Have Faith in Humanity

2008-06-05T19:09:00.008-04:00

Rather than writing about my usual selection of random musings, bad puns, and inside jokes, today I am actually going to get back to this blog's original intention and write about something that happened. This story is the real reason why I am currently celebrating the Unofficial Subway Love Week (that's right, I just might turn this day into a week!).

Every morning I ride the subway to its very last stop in Brooklyn. Since I'm doing the reverse of the normal commute, I'm usually the only person left in the car by the time I get there. Also because it's the last stop, I'm on there for over 40 minutes. I often take this time to go over some papers. Today was no different.

Well, it was a little different. Different in that apparently when I was taking out my notebook to go over said papers, I must have knocked my wallet onto the floor without realizing it. So when I got off the subway, well, the wallet did not. This problem became apparent when I reached to take out my ID a few minutes later and it was sadly not there.

Sorry, did I say sadly? I meant DEVASTATINGLY. All of a sudden I realize that I'm in BROOKLYN, with no MONEY, no ID, no METROCARD, no ANYTHING. Oh my god I am fucked.

At this point I ran into a friend, and when he asked how my day was going, I told him: bad. He told me that I shouldn't despair because you never know what could turn up, and that I should have faith in humanity.

Fuck Humanity! My stuff is GONE and I'm NEVER getting it back! Kill me kill me kill me killmekillmekillmekillme! Ahhhhhghgghsakhgahg!!!!

Ok so I didn't say that. But I did start calling my credit card companies to cancel my cards. Except... I didn't cancel my cards. When I got on the phone, the seed of hope that had been planted with the words faith in humanity still lingered, so I instead froze the accounts temporarily.

Over my lunch break, I went back to the subway station. I asked the attendant if they had a lost and found. "What did you lose?" she asked. "A wallet." (Pause, then laughter). "Oh honey, you don't actually think people turn those in, do you?!"

She let me check with the dispatcher, just in case. You may have already guessed from the title of this post what happened next, but just to clarify:

THEY ACTUALLY HAD MY FREAKING WALLET!

Un-be-freakin-lievable. I made sure to triumphantly show it to the attendant as I left.

A few minutes later I ran into a different friend and told him the whole story, but left out what my other friend had said to me. His response- "Wow. I guess it goes to show you really have to have faith in humanity." Damn straight!

June 5: The Unofficial I Love the Subway Day!

2008-06-05T18:50:00.004-04:00

I've always known it, but today I realized just how true it really is. I love the New York Subway. With all of my heart. True, it may be kind of slow. And have constant service changes that make going places at night or on the weekends maddening. And sometimes it smells weird. But I really don't care. It is truly wonderful, and I am dedicating the rest of my posts for today AND tomorrow to the total amazingness that is the Metro Transit Authority. Get ready, because I have a LOT to say.

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume 4

2008-05-30T23:09:00.004-04:00

There is one certain category of subway ad that I absolutely love. I don't like it when one product plasters the entire car with ads for the same thing (I'm looking at you, picture of Chuck's shrugging shoulders that was seriously burned on my retinas last fall). I actually don't care for ads of any product that obviously has a 5 million dollar advertising budget and I see commercials or other print ads for all the time (Tylenol, Smirnoff, etc.). Boring.

This is the kind of ad I LOVE:

Hey there mass transit user! I know you're on your sad, deformed feet a lot. Well I have good news! Here at Whatever Podiatry, we can turn your COMICALLY PHOTOSHOPPED FOOT into a NORMAL FOOT! As seen on TV!!!!!!!!

This is the kind of business that clearly poured their entire advertising budget into this one, sad-yet-ubiquitous ad. Whenever I see it, which is often, I don't want to look and yet I strangely can't look away. Hmm, maybe I do need foot surgery. Free consultation, here I come!

Overdue Concert Review: Los Campesinos & The Orion Experience

2008-05-28T13:17:00.011-04:00

This is a little late, but I just wanted to write a quick post in recognition of the total bad-assery that was the Los Campesinos concert in Hoboken about two weeks ago. Obviously I was already a fan, but seeing them live basically converted me into a registered SuperFan. I know these pictures are awful and grainy, but I'm only using them because SOMEONE hasn't posted all the ones she took with her awesome camera OR the video of the crowd demanding an encore like I've seriously never seen before. Henceforth, that someone will be referred to as Sophia Petrillo, of Lifetime-syndication-favorite Golden Girls fame.

When I go to any concert, if I've never heard of the opening band, I am fully prepared for them to suck. It's the subtle band-playing-order-ism of lowered expectations (Bing Crosby said that). This goes double for indie bands in small New Jersey venues. Imagine my surprise, then, when Los Campesinos opener The Orion Experience was freaking amazing! I'm just disappointed that their album came out in 2007, disqualifying me from writing about it in my Best Music of 2008 series. Check 'em out anyways, you guys. They're good.

How NOT to crash a wedding

2008-05-24T00:35:00.004-04:00

So you think you want to crash a wedding. Well, let's just say I have some tips. I am, as always, here to help.

Tip #1: Perform a little pre-wedding reconnaissance. For example, I told the hotel front desk that I was with the wedding party that was currently on the beach (this is around 10pm), but had embarrassingly forgotten the groom's name! Could they please look it up for me? The hotel guy looked confused, but I felt confident I was pulling it off. Oh, I am smooooooth.

Tip #2: Timing is everything. Don't show up while everyone is sitting down to dinner, because people probably has assigned seating. Wait until the dinner is over, and people are presumably dancing. Even though, in my case, I couldn't SEE any dancing, part of my view of the beach was obstructed, so I was confident that all the wedding-themed merriment was just around the corner.

Tip #3: This may be the most important. Make sure, absolutely CERTAIN, that the event you are about to crash is, indeed, a wedding. Because if it's not, when you show up you realize you're pretty much the only woman there, and everyone else is over 40. And this is a business function, probably to celebrate a day full of team-building exercises. And when you feel uncomfortable and make a mad dash to the bar, the bartender will ask you a question in a thick Mexican accent you can't really understand, but you can tell is essentially questioning whether or not you belong there. Here's a mini-tip: in this situation, it is not a good idea to answer loudly, "Oh, I'm here for the Dawson-Rodriguez wedding! Right.... Right?!" Not right. Which brings us to...

Tip #4: Have an exit plan. A simple, "Uhhhh, hold on... oh, I'm getting a call. What? American cell phones don't work here? Yes, I of course I knew that. No, I meant... on my banana phone! What, you don't have a banana phone? How sad for you. Gotta go!" Running/Crying is also acceptable.

Not Me.

And you know what else? Bridges.

2008-05-23T21:00:00.004-04:00

Oooo, look at me, I'm a bridge! I help people drive over water, tra-la-la! Let's all have a big party just for me!
Get real, Bridges. You're not so great.

You know what's overrated? Fireworks.

2008-05-23T00:23:00.004-04:00

Why do people love fireworks so much? I get it, it's lights in the sky, great. But newsflash, people- after about 3 minutes, it's not interesting anymore. In fact, it's boring. Ooooo, lights in the sky, I've never seen that before every summer three times SINCE I WAS BORN. So if you're some kind of Mexican hotel who thinks it's soooooo amazing that there's freaking lights in the sky three times a week- guess what. That doesn't make me want to buy a timeshare. In fact, here's something that everyone in Mexico should know by now: I'm not going to buy a timeshare. Probably ever, or at least for 20 years. So stop trying to sell me one, every guy at the airport and grocery store and pier and booze cruise I go on. Just stop. And let me tell you this right now- if your timeshare has weekly fireworks, that's not going to make me want it more. It's going to make me want it less. So suck it, Mexico.

This is boring me. I'm bored.

Alternate Universe Jobs: Band Manager

2008-05-16T21:22:00.001-04:00

I originally planned to do this installment of AUJ about being a band member, but then I realized that unless there's a large demand for French Horn players that I am currently unaware of (hey, it might happen, The Who AND the Arcade Fire both use them), I might better apply my skills to managing people with actual talent.

Besides, I have something to offer to fledgling bands. I believe that today's bands do not do a good enough job naming themselves. The problem? Not enough puns. Just look at all the great names I thought of merely by looking at my graphing calculator!

Tangentlemen
Sin Language
The DerivaTims (Must acquire at least two band members named "Tim" for this to work)
Logarhythm
It's Hip to Be Square Roots
Quadratic Elation
Don't Tell Me What Secant Do!

Believe it or not, I have other, non-math related ideas too. How about a cover band of Band of Horses, called Cover Band of Horses? Or, if ThAmLi's Ira Glass is in the market for starting a hardcore metal band, may I suggest Irate Glass? I've got millions more of these. Millions.

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume Three

2008-05-16T12:29:00.002-04:00

Taken on the door to the stairs right outside my apartment:

The best part is that when I showed this to my recent college grad roommate (let's just call her Snow White), she goes, "Great. THIS guy has a job, and I'm still interviewing with temp agencies. Greaaaaaat."

I know you can't see it in this picture, but it's also worth mentioning that the bottom piece of tape on this sign is actually attached to said wet paint. Bee Carfule, indeed.

Best Party Announcement Ever

2008-05-11T13:04:00.004-04:00

From this Saturday's party, courtesy of our very own Alex P. Keaton:

(Lights suddenly turn on)

"Stop the party! I have two announcements to make.

Number One: Andrew- just because you put a dollar in the fridge when you took that Vitamin Water I said you couldn't have, does NOT mean that you can have it.

Number Two: Jason- When you take those dollars from the fridge and give them to girls, it does NOT mean they will dance for you.

That is all. Party Commence!"

(Lights turn off)

Special thanks to my future co-producer of television pilots for Lifetime for writing this down so I wouldn't forget it.

Vincent Watch '08

2008-05-10T17:12:00.004-04:00

This season of LOST has definitely been the best yet. Let me take a moment to acknowledge the writers for their successes so far:

The action is finally moving forward (I'm the giving the evil-eye to YOU, five episodes in Season 3 where all the characters hung out in cages for no reason), the flashbacks / forwards are meaningful (I'm glaring at YOU, Jack's tattoos), and this season has had the most emotional AND the most bad-ass sequences of the entire series (The Constant, The Shape of Things to Come). And even though the islanders are more spread out than ever (Jack and friends at the beach, Locke etc. at the cabin, Sawyer and friends wandering the jungle, Sayid / Desmond on the freighter, the Others who-knows-where, Widmore / Penny off the island) each episode still manages to check in with most of them most of the time, which is all I can ask for. PLUS, the characters from the freight (Faraday, Charlotte, Frank, etc.) have been integrated seamlessly into the plot without setting off another embarrassing Nikki / Paulo fiasco. In short, it has been awesome.

However, I have one gripe. I demand more Vincent! The last time we saw our furry hero was two episodes ago (Ep. 9), in a disappointingly brief cameo barking at the time-traveling dead doctor's body. What a tease! Vincent is a diva, and should be treated accordingly. Vincent's scenes must always be high drama, like when he carried that arm out of the woods in Season 3, when he leads Shannon to Boone's grave in Season 2 (what a hot bitch move), or does the bidding of (ghost?) Christian in Season 1. Vincent will not be ignored!

I am officially initiating Vincent Watch '08, where I demand that Vincent be given a higher profile on LOST. Writers, you have two episodes left this season to meet my demands. I either want to see Vincent surfing (I know he can!), giving a beat-down to the smoke monster, or becoming the so-wrong-it's-right love interest of Claire. Those bitches are meant for each other.

You know what you have to do. Don't let the clock run out.

Alternate Universe Jobs: Ad Exec

2008-05-07T23:41:00.008-04:00

In what may or may not become a recurring feature, I am going to explore the kinds of things I would be doing in an alternative universe where I had a completely different job. In the first (only?) installment, I'm going to examine what life would be like as an advertising executive.

First, as someone in a high-powered managerial position, I would be so pressed for time that I would be inclined, nay forced, to shorten words in order to save precious nanoseconds. So "advertising executive" becomes "ad exec," "photograph opportunity" becomes "photo-op," and naturally "This American Life" becomes "ThAmLi." You might think that "ThAmLi" might not come up oft in the ave ad-exec's vocab (that's right, I'm still doing it), but what you're forgetting is that I am not your ave ad exec. Obvi!

I'll make my name in the business by forging an innovative partnership between respected mall eye-wear merchant LensCrafters and host of ThAmLi, Ira Glass. Together, both will make millions based on my the award-winning ad campaign for Ira Glasses.

The appeal is obvious. If there's two things hipster nerds love, it's NPR and glasses. This is a well known fact- my good friend, let's just call him... Alex P. Keaton... introduced me to the game of "favorite glasses / favorite sweater" that we now play at all New York art gallery openings, often over a can of PBR. I'm confident that if I ever actually talked to anyone else at these events, the conversation would mostly revolve around living in Brooklyn, cutting your own bangs, and the news gleaned from that day's All Things Considered. This is my target demographic. In short, Ira Glasses would soon become an international bestseller, ensuring my career success in pun-related advertising for years to come.

Baby Mama Problems

2008-05-04T18:36:00.006-04:00

I saw Baby Mama this weekend, and I liked it. But (there's always a but) I didn't LOVE it. Which is weird, because Tina Fey is basically my idol and can do no wrong. I was aware that the movie wasn't getting rave reviews, per se, so I attempted to adjust my expectations accordingly. I laughed a lot, and I would definitely recommend the movie, but the whole thing just didn't seem as funny as it could have been. I mean, come on! Tina Fey and Amy Poehler star! Supporting roles by Steve Martin (who delivers most of the best lines) and John Hodgman! How could it NOT be amazing?

I may have identified the problem. Tina Fey is funny, natch, but her character wasn't funny. This Kate Holbrook does funny things, but her friends would never say, "Oh that Kate, she's hilarious." Actually, I'm not sure that she even had any friends in the movie, besides her over-involved doorman. And who wants to watch a comedy where the lead doesn't even have her own friends?

So when Tina Fey used to anchor Weekend Update, she was obviously in "funny person" mode and basically made that segment the best it's ever been. Same principle applies to Fey as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock. Liz Lemon is a funny person, and I love watching T-Fey cracking jokes and making clever comments, as opposed to simply finding herself in funny situations.

Tina also wrote and acted in Mean Girls, which is one of my all time favorite movies. However, if I were forced at gunpoint to point out flaws, the lines Fey gives herself as the math teacher are the most unintentionally awkward parts of the movie. Exchanges like the following come off forced-

Damian-My grandma takes her wig off when she's drunk.
Ms. Norbury- Your grandmother and I have that in common.

This is because Ms. Norbury is not funny. I don't want to hear my math teacher telling jokes unless they are puns about making pumpkin "pi". So Tina Fey, let my address you directly when I say please, PLEASE let the next project you do allow you to be funny, ON PURPOSE. Watching you trying to act like you aren't just isn't as much fun.

Kombucha

2008-05-02T11:11:00.007-04:00

Lately, I've been forced to realize that I am pretty much the whitest white person ever. Case in point: After working out, I drove my hybrid to Whole Foods to pick up some vegetarian soup for a sick friend. I was still thirsty from the gym, so I perused the organic teas section (I could add more linkable items to that sentence, but it's bad enough as is).

So anyways, I'm looking at the teas and juices, and for some reason this little gem to the left catches my eye. "Hmm," I think, "Synergy. Organic and Raw. Cosmic Cranberry. Three dollars. Sounds like my kind of beverage." Oh how little I knew.

My first clue that something might be ... off ... was when I tried to open it in the car. The safety seal on the lid proudly proclaimed, Naturally Effervescent! "Naturally effervescent?," I thought. "What? So this thing is carbonated... naturally? Weird."

I popped the lid off to reveal a beverage that was indeed slightly fizzy. A person with a better developed sense of smell (or danger) may have detected additional warning signs at this stage, but I was oblivious. I raised the bottle to my lips.

What followed was one of the most jarring beverage-related sensations I have ever experienced. If you have ever tried to drink unpasteurized apple cider that has been left in the fridge for about two weeks too long, you will understand what I mean when I say that the natural effervescence could better be described as the horrible fizz of decay that accompanies the taste of fermenting fruit, vinegar, and possibly alcohol.

At first I was sure that I had purchased an expired drink, but after reading the fine print on the bottle, it turns out I was actually drinking Kombucha, which is, "a handmade Chinese tea that is delicately cultured for 30 days." The Wikipedia article on the subject has some particularly disturbing photos of the process.
I left this image large so that you can take in all of the disgusting detail. The caption reads, "During each fermentation cycle, the original culture settles, and a new layer of the kombucha culture grows just below the surface of the tea mixture." Blech, I drank this?

The really disturbing part of this whole story is the fact that even once armed with this knowledge, I still managed to drink the entire bottle. Why? Mostly, because I am an idiot. I paid 3 bucks for it and the bottle says it "supports digestion, metabolism, immune system, cell integrity... etc." Do I actually believe any of those health claims? No. Am I going to drink it anyways on the off chance that the if it tastes bad it MUST be good for me strain of logic proves correct? You bet your sweet ass I am.

I should also note that while I was drinking it at my office (because it took me two days to choke down the whole bottle), my boss came in and asked why the room smelled like "mildew and old people."

The Superfriends

2008-05-01T03:58:00.003-04:00

Attention people of New York! You can put your fears to rest, because the Superfriends are back.

You heard it here first. Kevin Bacon, Larry David, Steve Martin, Bruce Willis, and a Mysterious Newcomer are hitting the streets, fighting crime. Expect a drastic reduction in bank robberies, hate crimes, and little-old-lady muggings in weeks to come.

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume 2

2008-04-29T13:27:00.008-04:00

Sadly, I put off posting this picture for too long, and it can no longer be witnessed when leaving Penn Station at 34th and 8th. However, I still would like to know who exactly was the ad wizard that came up with this one:

Am I the only one who thinks it looks like one sumo is doing something naughty to the other? I couldn't read what product this was supposed to be advertising (Hitachi? Hibachi?) but a little creative googling came up with Hyundai. Really? This is for a car? Is Hyundai trying to become the official car of road head? I like to imagine that the design meeting for this billboard went a little something like this:

Ad Wizard 1: So the big sumo can represent Hyundai's strong commitment to safety....

Ad Wizard 2: ...and the other guy is Hyundai's willingness to get down and dirty for customer service!

Ad Wizard 1: Wait, does it look like one wrestler is going down on the other? (Pause) Nevermind, this is GOLD!

Ad Wizard 2: I love that we can still do work when we're on coke!!!

Ad Wizard 1: High Five!!!

Best Music of 2008: Part 1 of 3

2008-04-28T17:57:00.008-04:00

I'm making an effort this year to pay attention to what's going in music. I hate it when December comes around and the critics start putting out their top ten lists and I've never even heard of half those stupid bands. I usually use those lists as a way to find some new stuff for myself, but I'm going to try and be more proactive this year. So to help myself keep track of everything, I'm going to attempt to do my own best album list every 4 months. So without further ado, here are my favorite albums from the first third of 2008:

1) Cloud Cult- Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes): For reasons already detailed, Cloud Cult has quickly become my number one obsession lately. I have little doubt that this album has a high spot reserved for itself in my year-end list.
Notable Single: When Water Comes to Life

2) Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend: This is one of those bands that was in danger of being overshadowed by its own hype. Luckily, they've managed to live up even to the over-excited ramblings of my seriously obsessed friends. I feel like some people think indie music doesn't count if it's not either gritty or quirky and twee, but I'm totally down with a couple of Columbia grads singing lyrics that shout out everything from Lil Jon to Cape Cod.
Notable Single: A-Punk

3) Sun Kil Moon: April: I have to admit that as much as I already love this album, I still haven't given it the listening-to it deserves. Everyone raves about Mark Kozelek's lyrics, but so far I've just been digging his voice and the band's sound. Ever since Wop-A-Din-Din by Red House Painters came up on my Pandora a few years ago, I've been a fan.
Notable Single: The Light (although I might alter this once I get a chance to listen a little more)

4) Los Campesinos!: Hold On Now, Youngster...: This punctuation-heavy Welsh band is probably the definition of twee, but not in the annoying way (yes, it's possible). They get bonus points in my book for having a lot of upbeat, infectious songs with lyrics that are worth a second listen. Plus, they feature the best song about being a robot since Flight of the Conchords did The Distant Future.
Notable Single: This Is How You Spell "Hahaha, We Destroyed The Hopes And Dreams Of A Generation Of Faux-Romantics"

Honorable Mentions: Nada Surf- Lucky. The Heavenly States- Delayer. The Kills- Midnight Boom. She and Him- Volume One. Gnarls Barkley- The Odd Couple

Pulling a Hamilton

2008-04-20T21:27:00.007-04:00

For the record, I certainly don't think that women should ever have to act dumb in order to be attractive to the opposite sex. The whole idea of it is actually pretty irritating. So that's not what I'm advocating. For the record.

That being said, I would like to introduce the concept of "Pulling a Hamilton" into the lexicon as a great way to strike up a conversation with people that would otherwise be awkward to approach. Here's how it works:

Step 1- Preparation: Get a partner in crime, and agree beforehand who will be the smart one and who will be the dumb one. Then come up with a fake "bet" that you can have the people you want to talk to help "settle" for you. This should be something that most people would know the answer to, but also isn't too easy. The ideal example, "Was Alexander Hamilton ever President?" was inspired by an actual argument I overheard in a restaurant.

Step 2- Execution: Approach your target casually and friendly-y. Try not to seem like a creep. Whoever is playing dumb should argue passionately for their side, no matter how obviously wrong. Don't linger on the topic for too long. Finally, NEVER bring up a second bet-question as your follow up conversation topic. It can't be done without making the whole thing seem fake.

Step 3- Seal the Deal: Oh my god! My seal deal! I've gotta go.

UPDATE: Note to self- stop writing posts while drunk. "Friendly-y"?!?!

Drinking the Cloud Cult Kool Aid

2008-04-20T21:03:00.004-04:00

As two weeks ago, I had never heard of the band Cloud Cult. When their new album, Feel Good Ghosts, came out last Tuesday, I noticed the A.V. Club reviewer gave them an A. I read the A.V. Club pretty much every day, so I know how rare that is. After hearing a few songs, by that night not only had I bought the album but I was e-mailing the band to request that they hold an upcoming show in NYC for my convenience. In short, I was obsessed.

Lucky for me, they actually did decide to play in Brooklyn on Thursday, so I was psyched. Let's just say it was the best concert ever. The lead singer's wife actually spends the entire show as a "visual artist," meaning that she stood to the side and painted on this huge canvass the whole time. The lead singer is also pretty much the nicest guy ever and let me get a picture with him after the show. He was also very polite as I (slightly drunkenly) rambled about how great the band and the show and everything was.

I'm glad that the band doesn't end its shows by suggesting everyone in the audience join them for some grape-cyanide flavored punch, because I would totally do it.

Tree Brain Attacks!

2008-04-17T13:17:00.002-04:00

I previously wondered what would happen if the tree brain attacked a human. It seems we now have our answer...

Can 'Tree Man' Be Saved?

Adventures in Abstinence Education

2008-04-16T19:28:00.007-04:00

I recently came across some pamphlets that are willfully distributed by my abstinence-touting university health center (it's a Catholic school). There's a series of them, and they have titles that vary from the flagship "101 Reasons to Be Abstinent" to "101 Reasons to Say NO to Sex" to my personal favorite, "101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin' It." This is my favorite for two reasons. First, as a hip, happenin' college student, I naturally respond to the way the word "doing" was simplified to the more colloquial "doin' ". Who has time for that extra "g"? Not me, man. In fact, I think "g" should permanently be replaced with an apostrophe. 'reat idea, ri'ht 'uys?

Secondly, I believe that this pamphlet can serve multiple uses. Sure, you could use ideas such as Tell the other person you love them, Use eye contact to share a private thought, or Give diamonds as a way to make love without doin' it. However, I think an alternative title of this anthology could be "101 Ways to Convince Your Prudish Girlfriend to Finally Fuck You." "Foreplay 101" would also be acceptable.

There are also a few gems inside "101 Ways to Say NO to Sex." Of course the old standards such as It's against my religion (#31), I want to stay a virgin (#72), and I have a headache (#94, seriously) are included, but here are a few more actual suggestions of ways to tell him you're not interested in doing the nasty:

#25) I'm allergic to sex
#27) I have a sunburn
#68) My favorite show's on now
#42) I just got my hair done

And my personal favorite...

#45) Don't make me laugh

Covert Phone Pictures: Volume One

2008-04-16T18:38:00.005-04:00

I'm a big fan of The Sneeze, especially the tree brain. I even know someone from Braintree, Mass. I mean, what could be more awesome than a tree with its own brain-like growth? The tree brain certainly raises a lot of questions (is this particular tree more of a left-tree-brain logical type or an artsy, right-tree-brain type?) Recently, however, a new and terrifying question has emerged. Is the tree brain contagious to humans? The frightening answer appears to be yes:This shocking evidence was captured on a New Jersey Transit train. It appears this man is growing a tree brain in ADDITION to his original man-brain. It remains to be seen whether the tree brain will overtake the human brain or if two distinct personalities will develop.

Firsties

2008-04-16T00:22:00.006-04:00

It's hard to know how to start out the first post on a new blog. It's a lot like writing a thesis statement for a paper. I want to give a little explanation of my intentions, but not give away too much. Ok, forget the thesis statement metaphor. BORING. From now on, writing a first blog post is like choosing some sexy lingerie. You need something enticing, but that strategically leaves the audience wanting more. Yeahhh, that's the ticket. Wait, that sounds way too forced. Crap. Let's just pretend this embarrassing introduction thing never happened and get right to it.

The title "Laika Lives" was inspired by an Arcade Fire lyric I didn't understand, and so did a little Googling for answers. Laika was the name of a Russian dog that some scientists apparently picked out of the pound to be the first earthling launched into space. I guess the idea is that I'll be writing about my own adventures, though I'm hoping to suffer a less tragic ending than Laika, who died when her spacecraft returned to earth.

To clarify, the "adventures" I'll be writing about will most likely refer to my current hobbies of attending art gallery openings entirely for the free booze, cooking Thai food poorly, and taking weird pictures with my phone. Not exactly space travel, I admit. I also expect these posts to be littered with barely-funny references to Arrested Development, 30 Rock, and more. Beyond that, I am currently less than one month away from college graduation, and am about to start a job as a teacher. I'm originally from the Midwest, but I'll be moving into New York City soon, so I'm making some pretty major life changes. I'm excited, but I promise to refrain from writing posts about "New York is sooooooo fucking great my life is magical blah blah blah." You're welcome.

Turns out finishing one of these things is nearly as hard as starting one. I'm going to go with my gut though, and end this like I end most things: Awkwardly and Incompletel