Alternate Universe Jobs: Ad Exec

In what may or may not become a recurring feature, I am going to explore the kinds of things I would be doing in an alternative universe where I had a completely different job. In the first (only?) installment, I'm going to examine what life would be like as an advertising executive.

First, as someone in a high-powered managerial position, I would be so pressed for time that I would be inclined, nay forced, to shorten words in order to save precious nanoseconds. So "advertising executive" becomes "ad exec," "photograph opportunity" becomes "photo-op," and naturally "This American Life" becomes "ThAmLi." You might think that "ThAmLi" might not come up oft in the ave ad-exec's vocab (that's right, I'm still doing it), but what you're forgetting is that I am not your ave ad exec. Obvi!

I'll make my name in the business by forging an innovative partnership between respected mall eye-wear merchant LensCrafters and host of ThAmLi, Ira Glass. Together, both will make millions based on my the award-winning ad campaign for Ira Glasses.

The appeal is obvious. If there's two things hipster nerds love, it's NPR and glasses. This is a well known fact- my good friend, let's just call him... Alex P. Keaton... introduced me to the game of "favorite glasses / favorite sweater" that we now play at all New York art gallery openings, often over a can of PBR. I'm confident that if I ever actually talked to anyone else at these events, the conversation would mostly revolve around living in Brooklyn, cutting your own bangs, and the news gleaned from that day's All Things Considered. This is my target demographic. In short, Ira Glasses would soon become an international bestseller, ensuring my career success in pun-related advertising for years to come.