Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Adventures in Abstinence Education


I recently came across some pamphlets that are willfully distributed by my abstinence-touting university health center (it's a Catholic school). There's a series of them, and they have titles that vary from the flagship "101 Reasons to Be Abstinent" to "101 Reasons to Say NO to Sex" to my personal favorite, "101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin' It." This is my favorite for two reasons. First, as a hip, happenin' college student, I naturally respond to the way the word "doing" was simplified to the more colloquial "doin' ". Who has time for that extra "g"? Not me, man. In fact, I think "g" should permanently be replaced with an apostrophe. 'reat idea, ri'ht 'uys?

Secondly, I believe that this pamphlet can serve multiple uses. Sure, you could use ideas such as Tell the other person you love them, Use eye contact to share a private thought, or Give diamonds as a way to make love without doin' it. However, I think an alternative title of this anthology could be "101 Ways to Convince Your Prudish Girlfriend to Finally Fuck You." "Foreplay 101" would also be acceptable.

There are also a few gems inside "101 Ways to Say NO to Sex." Of course the old standards such as It's against my religion (#31), I want to stay a virgin (#72), and I have a headache (#94, seriously) are included, but here are a few more actual suggestions of ways to tell him you're not interested in doing the nasty:

#25) I'm allergic to sex
#27) I have a sunburn
#68) My favorite show's on now
#42) I just got my hair done

And my personal favorite...

#45) Don't make me laugh

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